Some election advice for Senator Santorum

Courtesy of Tom Ferrick Jr. of the Philadephia Inquirer:

To: Sen. Santorum

From: Your Campaign Advisory Group

Re: Tactics & Strategy

As you know, the election is just over four months away and our private tracking polls confirm recent public polls. You are trailing Robert P. Casey (RPC) by mid-double digits.

Clearly, something must be done to make up the deficit in the next 120 days, lest you suffer defeat in the General Election (GE).

How to catch up with RPC and win the GE? We suggest a two-pronged strategy.

One is to saturate the airwaves with commercials presenting the "Rick Santorum Story." These will be sepia-tinted-family-oriented 30-second spots that remind voters that you are, at heart, a sweet guy.

They are designed to draw back into your tent defectors among independent voters and moderate Republicans who, for some reason, consider you a "hairy-knuckled, mean-spirited, right-wing troglodyte," as one target voter put it in our focus groups.

These TV spots have tested well in the same focus groups. We call this the "Cuddles Initiative."

Your recent statements against Hepatitis B can go a long way toward lessening concerns among these voters that you are - again quoting our focus group - a "heartless, harsh, judgmental twit."

Why not Skippy?

It is also essential that you continue your attacks on RPC. Referring to him, in the diminutive, as "Bobby" is crucial.

Our opposition research has yet to turn up the "smoking gun" we can employ against RPC.

But there are obvious avenues of attack. For instance, an exhaustive search of the record has uncovered no public statements by RPC on Hepatitis B. Accordingly, we are preparing a radio ad. Partial text:

"Hepatitis B is a disease that afflicts many Asian Americans and African Americans. Rick Santorum is against Hepatitis B. Yet Bobby Casey remains silent. What have you got to hide, Bobby? Why won't you condemn this life-threatening disease...?"

However, these actions alone will not defeat RPC in the GE.

The other portion of our two-pronged strategy calls for you to rally your conservative base. Disheartened by the war, disillusioned with President Bush's administration, your core constituency is in danger of staying home on election day.

They need to be energized with heavy doses of high-protein, red-meat issue mongering. We call this portion the "Cleaver Initiative."

Your recent visit to Geno's Steaks to stand behind Joe Vento's neo-Know Nothing initiative against immigrants is a good first step. Though, as your campaign advisers, we were dismayed that you failed to use the line we had crafted for you to quip:

No hablo

"Spanish? We don't speak no stinkin' Spanish!"

It would have drawn a laugh and made the point.

Your efforts to tack to the right may be impeded by the fact that you don't have much room left.

Your assertion last week that there are, in fact, WMDs in Iraq, while false, cements your standing among Warrior Conservatives, who feared the president was going defeat-monkey on them.

But what of the Moralist Conservatives? Your creds are high, but they need a feeding, lest some be tempted to defect to RPC.

Abortion is a no-gainer, but we do see an opening with homophobia.

We propose that you offer a constitutional amendment to ban gay dating on "slippery slope" grounds, namely that it could lead to gay engagement and gay marriage.

The news release would have you say: "We need to nip this in the bud on a national level before we are confronted with a wave of gay engagement showers and gay bridal registries."

Among moderates/independents, you could take a softer line, saying: "I'm just trying to prevent a tragic epidemic of gay divorce."

These steps, we are convinced, will help you defeat RPC in the GE.

Otherwise, you will be DOA.

Santorum is toast in November. He's become a joke and an embarrassment to Pennsylvania. It would't surprise me if Santorum ratcheted up the gay bashing because that's all he's really got left. Fortunately that doesn't play as well in Pennsylvania as it would in one of the red states.